till u i was nothing but lonely nights now all are left are sad goodbyes

I thought i was alright until just now.
Last time i didnt like to be alone yet now i found it actually quite normal alr.
Walked down hill alone,
all quiet.
I think alot wanted to exploit all my emotions here but i guess its not that worth it.
I feel very alone
i've changed if you remembered knowing me when i was sec 2.
Everything around was so free then, didnt have to worry abt anything.
Love can make u feel like the happiest thing in the world yet at the same time
it can also make u feel the exact opposite.
I have always been the onlooker not really experiencing these type of things myself.
Didnt think it was worth it.
Didnt really give a damn abt it.
Just wanted to enjoy life with my frens.
Yet now, i am no longer who i used to be.
People who doesnt know me
might think i am very cheerful and stuff
but i dont think so. not anymore.
I am not as innocent, i didnt want to grow up.
I didnt have a choice, why must reality be so cruel?
Why do i always screw up everything,
Last year was hectic,
Many stuffs happened.
It was the first time smone made me felt this way, didnt want to try anything abt it though.
I dont understand, i thought i was different.
Many ppl warned me what i was getting into
I didnt have a choice did i?
I make wrong decisions, but nobody actually gave me a chance.
I was just trying to be nice. I dont see what i did wrong.
It was just my first time why dont u guys understand nor see it?
I didnt want to be who i am now.
I didnt want it,
I did try my very best to change.
With new frens and all.
It just showed me how caught up i was in my perfect world and everything.
Indeed, the world is far from perfect,
circumstances, i had to grow up, had to be more mature,
I know i dont fit into this clique because i am different.
I am very crazy, retarded and tomboyish type of person.
I used to laugh about nothing, but now im plain boring.
someone showed me what i was worth, but now im worthless of cause.
someone doubted me, but i dont think i was that kind of person.
Are u that kind of person. someone whom everybody says u were.
But i believed u.
but why u doubt me because u were afraid im like you?
Someone made the year feel better for me of cause.
But within the past few hours i realised another thing
I have never mattered, i guess i was just another toy who looked cute.
Im a toy, an interesting toy that u found interesting at the beginning.
You talked to me.
I gave u chances but u didnt give me.
Why are u so cruel and didnt give me time,
You never had the courage to clarify, until the end.
But you are not the beginner at this, i was.
But i know this world is unfair.
didnt think you would be the one who would drive me into the corner.
You were the last one i thought who will do this.
But i shallnt harp abt it anymore. I have never felt good enough,
didnt have confidence, feel far than inferior.
Right now though, the world may seem crowded.
around me and anything.
But i know that nothing is going to change, nth is going to come,nth is going get restarted
Tanying and all has their own frens and things will never be the same.
CCA ended and all my frens are all concentrated with their studies.
I am here but i feel so left out
so left out.
It'll never be the same.
I'll never be the same.
If only i have the power to restart or even have the confidence to just end it all.
I find everything meaningless now.
I have the clique.
But im only close to her.
And she will not be there for me all the time its not her job.
I really feel alone.
Im so upset but who cares right?
fucking retarded and caught up in this mess i hate myself to the core
i hope the rain would drown me or hopefully just by surprise smth comes and end it all since i dont
have that amount of courage.
sorry.
going school, i hope everything around me dissapears.
having a headache.
But obviously u will never know how i feel because u dont even know me.
u said u clarified but if u actually think carefully,
u gave me hope and then crushed it
u didnt exactly clarifyed it to the core
u told her u regretted what you were, if u had the chance u wanna change that.
i also right? but no one is going to give us the chance.
right now u just make me doubt u endlessly
flamboyant.
sorry
sorry i know i suck at keeping my emotions close
but this time i think this is good enough